Dear Fans and Watchers,

I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day! I hope you all did something wonderful for your mothers this year.

All I did was picking roses in my backyard as a bouquet for her and cleared the dishes. I wanted to pick out the weeds in the backyard, but it's SO damn hot out there. My mother is grateful for what I've done. I did out of love.

The problem with my mother is that is under pressure. I all about spending taxes on my sisters. So much stress. There's nothing I can do to help her. I wanted to help her, and make her happy. She's not feeling well for days because of the stress. I'm worried about her.

Hi Everyone!

I'm terribly sorry for not drawing more pictures, but I've been a little busy and under pressure with my assignments in Art History class. Artist's block drives me crazy, not to mention finding my own style of drawing animals and people. I'm doing quite well on my songwriting on my keyboard (I'm working on the verses) I've been working on it for two months, but what infuriates me is rewriting the lyrics called "All My Life" based on finding true love at last...pretty obvious.      

I hate saying this, but I got a little depressed because I can't find a part-time job in town. I need some money. I couldn't work on-campus unless my credits were 6 and over. My credits this quarter in college are 5. I wish I can work online if I can't find one in town, but I'm afraid someone would steal my identity. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this.

What puts aside my cares is watching "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey". I LOVE that movie so much! I love it so much that I ordered the art and design book of it because I wanted to the magnificent costumes! It's so wonderful to see not only the previous actors from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but  also seeing new things and characters, such as the Dwarves -- their fashion, hairstyles, and homeland. I can hardly wait for the second Hobbit to come!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I have been around. I'm just busy working my assignments from Art History class. I just hope I get a good grade on this.

I dropped out of Algebra Review 2 because I feel like I was not smart enough to take it. I don't have a one-on-one tutor (meaning I want a tutor to help only me). I have the female teacher who wants the class to figure out the problems on our own from our textbooks, but the book got me lost and confused.  At first, I felt like giving up, but I realized I have to take it to transfer out of this college. I'm trapped and a little upset because it's going to take me a miracle to graduate. I'm planning to get a tutor who will help only me.

My mother's temper is getting worse. Every single night, she's angry with my father, who stays up late till five in the morning, eats too much, and is verbally abusive to her by calling her hurtful names. She keeps screaming all night long I couldn't even rest peacefully.

Hey everyone,

I want to thank you all for comforting me after my dog has been gone. I've been so depressed throughout the weekend that didn't want to do my hobbies. Now, I'm feeling a lot better. I know he's happy up in Heaven. I can't wait to see him again.

I doubt that my family will have another pet. It's just too painful to put them down again.

Dear Watchers,

I'm sorry for being upset. The reason why I didn't answer you're concerns (such as, "what wrong" or "are you all right") is because I'm such a fool for writing my feeling to thousands of people who don't give a damn. Whenever I recieve horrible comments, I get easily pissed off. They just LOVE to give you a hard time, don't they?

I don't why I bother discussing my issues to people I never met or know. I'd rather show half of the world my art for recognition rather than talking to anyone. It doesn't mean I want more attention, I just want to talk someone about my problems, too. I'm not the only lonely person in the world.

It has been a horrible week. I mean, not only I lost someone I'm still in love with (even though were good friends), but also people in my family are dying for the last few months.

Now my mothers is crying because we're putting Jack (my little Yorkie) out of his misery, tonight. She felt terrible doing that but it must be done. Whenever she cries, I cry. It's contagious. I put her hand against my cheek to show how much I love her. She couldn't make me happy.

It's hard to find happiness all by yourself. I know I've made the choice of being depressed. I thought I would change for the better this year...I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

Girls, do you ever get sick to death of always being the bride's maid, never the bride?

Here's one of my favorite songs to remind me that I'm not alone. Listen: [link]

.....

Hey everyone,

I've been running a fever since yesterday. I know I'll get better very soon. Right now, I've been getting the chills, which drives me crazy.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to drawing pictures, but really I feel woozy.

*sigh deeply*

Sorry everyone...I'm just little depressed because some of the things don't work the way you plan or are hoping for.

I withdrew Math 97 (algebra review) because it was NOT working out for me. For five STRAIGHT days, I tried like hell to transfer to a different class, but all were full. So, I don't have enough credits in order to work on-campus (you have to have 6 credits or over in order to work off-campus or on-campus.

I wish I have 200 to 3,000 comments on each of my art pieces like most of the artists here on Deviantart. I going to have to delete some of my favorite drawings if I have to cause to everyone all my drawings are garbage. Am I self-centered of drawing too much of myself? Obviously, yes. Are my drawings a complete waste of money? Yes. Why the hell did they make art as a Career? I can't find the answer.

I wish my mother would STOP drinking cause last night I sang "Belly Up to the Bar, Boys" from the musical "The Unsinkable Molly Brown", and she told me that was terrible and ask my voice teacher (which I DID last Wednesday!). This is the SECOND time she told me how terrible I sing. She probably thinks I delude myself by thinking I'm some great singer, even though I'm terrible. Maybe that lame, no talent-ass hag should try it some time. SHE is the one who sing like SHIT, not me! I'm still mad at her, but she doesn't know. I totally hold a grudge. No way in hell I'm going to get over it. She is not welcome to see my plays, EVER again. Even though she's always been there for me, I think she never has when it come to my skills. When become a millionaire, she'll be sorry she ever rejected me.

Plus, I am cold and sick to death of this weather-- always cloudy. Not even a hint of sunlight.

It has been four days since I came back to school. Speech Essentials is pretty much fun, only when it comes to make a speech about  family vacation, etc., you have to avoid "umm's" and uhh's" during the speech. That's hard to do, but it's a risk worth taking.

Math 97 (Algebra Review) is a pain in my ass. I have a male teacher (whom I can't rely on) is lazy because he's not being specific, he's not giving me all the details on factoring polynomials and such.

I'm trying like hell to transfer to a female math teacher who I can rely on. It's hard to transfer into another class when it's full, y'know what I mean? The Tutoring Center is ridiculous because I have more unfamiliar guys not giving me enough information. I want to drop out Math 97, but The school will withdraw 50% of the tuition fee, which is NOT very much change...greedy bastards.

Dearest Friends of Deviantart,

This is Ferrychick1, who is NOW officially called FerryQueen. I want to thank a friend of mine who gave me another three months of Premium Membership as a Christmas gift.

My Christmas is going to be a lonely holiday this year because my sisters are on other vacations, and my father is working on Christmas Day. Still, I lift my spirits up it's Christmas day, singing Christmas songs. When I was a teenager, I lost my spirits of Christmas...then stopped when I turned 20. I am proud to believe in what Christmas really is, making my soul rich and bright.

I pray you all have MAGNIFICENT Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Speaking of "New Year", I will be back at school and practicing musical, "The Unsinkable Molly Brown".    

Many Blessings and LOVE!

I apologize everyone for the delay, but my Grandfather James (my mother's father) died this morning at 6:30 am in his sleep at the age of 99. He was born on June 10, 1913. He was cremated and buried next to his beloved wife, Alice, who died of leukemia when my mother was 32.

I wish I had father like him, a REAL male role model. A father I can look up to. The one who would be there for me, just like my other.

He was born in Clifton, NJ; he was the first male child born in America to Dutch immigrant grandparents Jetze Watze and Hermina (Ykema) Pruiksma and parents Walter J. and Hester (Klapmust) Pruiksma. His lone sibling, Althea (Van der Hay) predeceased him.

He was very religious man. He was an Episcopalian. He loved music, loved to sing, and loved sharing the Good News.

Even though my mother knew her father was prepared to die, she still sobbed. I sobbed with her and embraced. One look at the picture of my grandfather, she turned away and bawled her eyes out. I comfort her the best I could and told her that her father does not want to see her like that. Mom tries to lighten things up a little about Grandpa being with his three wives, who died of unnatural causes.

Sometimes, I can imagine him singing, being young, and reunited with his family again in Heaven.

Poor Mom, she still crying. She' probably have a hard time sleeping.

Hi everyone!

I just to let you all know that I will be gone for Thanksgiving from this Wednesday to Saturday. My parents and I are going to see my three sisters in Portland, OR. We are going to celebrate the holiday at a restaurant I've never heard of before. We'll be feasting on the 34th floor where we can see the view of the city.

Since it's a holiday, I'm going to order Turkey because how can you have turkey without Thanksgiving? I mean, my father hates poultry, and he would rather order steak. To me, eating turkey is tradition.

I want to thank you all for being my watchers and thankful for those who support my artwork! I'm thankful for still having my loving family, a house to keep me safe and warm, and being in my fourth play, "The Unsinkable Molly Brown".

Please, say "Happy Thanksgiving", NOT "Turkey Day" because saying Happy Turkey Day sounds as though no one is thankful for anything at all.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

*SIGH* What a long week! I've been rehearsing Titanic from Monday to Wednesday at night (which took about two and half hours long). Thursday's opening night was SO many people (same as Sunday). Friday and Saturday weren't as much but there were many that showed up.

On Thursday, my parents, neighbor, and grandparents came to see the show. "Godspeed Titanic" made her cry because it sounds SO patriotic and full of energy (that's what I thought). They all loved it and my solo where I had to wake up the 3rd class passengers. I'm a third class stewardess who also held on to the railings of the ship which tilted about 2 feet high. I pretend to cry in agony like I do in real life. One of the women who was one of the survivors of Titanic told me that she almost cried while she watched me holding on the railings faking my cry of despair. Well, I smiled and told her that you would do the same if you were on the real Titanic.

I have never felt so ALIVE! I will never forget it!

Tonight, I'm going to audition for the musical "The Unsinkable Molly Brown". I don't know what I want to be besides chorus...maybe one of the millionaires.

Rehearsals for the musical Titanic is going fine, but a burden because as a stewardess, I have to memorize all the songs. Also, my mother keeps calling me, "When will your rehearsal we done?" I always run late. If you ask me, the people who are creating this musical are completely disorganized and NEVER give me any information.  

I've a little down in the dumps because I feel hopeless. What bothers me the most is that broad, Maddy Jeffs, who is this Vice President of Student Services at my college is ABSOLUTELY judgmental about my behavior after I made letter which was a so-called "huge threat". She does not give a damn if I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.  She is that one woman who does not want me to be back at CBC. I REALLY hate that lady. She treated my parents like they were idiots when we had our last meeting a few months ago. My parents know me better than she does. My father knows what a threat is. I can't get over her because SHE is involved with this. And if I decided to go back next semester, she will be there for the meeting.

At Columbia Basin College, I think I'm learning absolutely nothing there. I thought my hopes and dreams will soon come close at hand. I don't believe that anybody wants or cares about me there. If I plan to drop out of college, my mother will take me to a school, I'll be learning filing. I AM GOING TO BE ENDING UP AS RECEPTINONIST FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! AS A CAREER?! HELL, NO!

I'm just upset and angry for a few days because of that. If only there is some way I could find a way to become what I've longed to be. I went to Allied Arts Association, an art gallery to gather up some information on how to display my art. I have to at least be a member. I need to bring three paintings, all matted and framed. I hope this will be my perfect chance to get more recognition.

Did you ever get these feelings that you're feeling that hope is slipping right out of your hands, but you're trying to find a way? My counselor, Joan Aerrasmith, once told me to close my eyes where I enter my own perfect little world. I tried to smile but the problem was I've been trapped in the REAL WORLD, which my parents want me to be in. Is my desperate dream being famously creative in any kind of art is fantasy? I'll give you an example of fantasy: finding the lost city of Atlantis or mermaids under the sea.

I apologize to you all, but I have been extremely busy. It has been pretty almost hectic. Luckily, I'm going to be taking the Fall Quarter off from college. I cannot tell you all why, for it is confidential.

I've been rehearsing the musical called Titanic (definitely NOT based on James Cameron's film). I am one of the stewardesses (a 3rd class stewardess). I was chosen to have a solo which I have to sing the highest notes quickly, not too quickly from a song called "Wake Up, Wake up!" The lyrics are: "Third class passengers, fore and abaft on the well deck. Please find your life preservers and await further instructions."

At first, my heart was pounding like crazy, but thank God for my voice teacher, Molly Holleran, because she'll help me how sing comfortably, without straining my voice--without worrying. She is also portraying one of the main characters named Kate McGowan (an Irish 3rd class passenger) in the play. Molly is awesome and kind. Half of the Tri-Cities knows her. Not to mention the artistic vocal director of the play, Justin Raffa, is her roommate. What a coin-ci-dink!

Every Friday, I have been taking a class for autistic people. I started two Fridays ago, and it won't end until Oct. 19th. I have to learn how to read people's expressions, and the class and I usually discuss about our situations in our past lives. People who never know Asperger's Syndrome are very judgmental about our "behavior". It's pretty nice to share one's feelings. People with Asperger's become successful and more intelligent. Unbeknownst to me, the kids I've met have the gift of music and art.

I've been visiting my counselor every Tuesday at one o'clock, discussing my problems and how to fix it before I go back to school. Some of you already know that I have anger issues and anxiety disorders. I have this feeling that I am developing some independence, meaning I want my freedom, doing things my way. You've seen the movie "Brave", right? I'm like Merida, who wants her freedom, but her mother wants her to do her royal traditions as a princess. I'm NOT going to be like my parents. I want to be CREATIVE for a living. I also want to be kind and generous. I need MORE patience.

As a twenty-two-year-old, I'm still living with my parents, who fight, drink, and ya-dee-ya-dee-ya-da. I am like a rat in a cage, mostly when it comes to weekends. I loathe weekends during a few months of vacation... there is not much to do, except sharing my beautiful drawing with you all. I sometimes take a bus to some places I need to go, such as voice lessons, when my parents are away.

When my parents are off to Portland, OR, I'm so happy to get more space for myself, walking around the living room and kitchen. I get sick and tired of staying in my small room while my parents take over the whole damn house, watching T.V. shows I don't like watching, such as soap opera or Teen Pregnant. I only watch video game walkthroughs on YouTube and Darkwing Duck. If there was FOX News on, I'd watch it because I REALLY want to know what's going on around the world. What's killing me is that America is in chaos. People are losing their jobs. The economy is rising. Even college graduates got their diploma, they cannot find a job. Kids my age live with their parents America is supposed to be the only nation that represents freedom! I wish tyranny is a felony here in America. We don't want power, we want a brighter future. As far as I know, humanity is actually getting dumber. I want legal immigrants to find their dreams to find a new, better life. My forefathers on both sides have worked their asses off to provide for their progeny. I look up to Martin Luther King Jr., for he, with all his heart, wanted every race to love each other like brother and sister. We are all God's children. Even if Muslims and atheists don't believe in Him, they will always be His children. Deal with it.  

I'm not going to lie to you: I keep begging God to watch over those who are in most need of His guidance. My father hates his job, but doesn't give up. I want my mother to have her freedom from being a mother, but it was her choice to be one. There is nothing I can do about it. I can't fix their problems. I begged Christ to heal the broken hearted to want their freedom and jobs back. Lord, lift our spirits up. We will someday soon bring America back the way our Founding Father wanted it to be. We are patriots!

And blessed Father, if it's not too much to ask, please help me a strong, good girl. Help me stand up for myself when my parents will be gone. I will do what my conscience dictates. Help me follow my heart.

...Help US find a way to fulfill our destiny!

Amen.

I don't know how many times do I have to say "I'm sorry". I'm just upset because I hate it when don't work out the way you plan. I'm upset because mother is worried about the nightmare I've created, and she reminding me the same thing over and over again. She get nauseated and cries in agony, waiting for something terrible will happen to me. I just wish this would stop. People who are involved with this MAJOR problem just won't leave me alone. I don't whether or not I should give up college so the whole campus will be completely safe and sound.

I have a feeling that I am a convict-to-be. A criminal. It's been haunting me for months. I'm so sorry for everything. Then again, sorry is never good enough.  

What I've learned from my counselor yesterday (even though she not an art expert) is that IF you are happy with piece of art you've created, people might buy it. I know it won't happened online, and yet, it might happen in public. She's teaching me how to tolerate people who won't buy my art. If they don't like, they don't have to like it, or if they don't have enough money to afford it, then they don't have to buy. I'm not forcing anybody, I'm just trying to have luck making money. Who knows, there might be people who just plain don't like me, just like people don't like Justin Bieber (no offense, but I loathe him personally). Forgive me for being impatient. I'm patient with finishing my artwork, but waiting for something to happen, that is difference.

To honest, I DO have a beautiful voice. It's just I'm still learning. I'm grateful to have a REAL voice teacher who taught how to properly sing. I have hard time writing songs on my piano and autoharp, but I don't give up because I deep in my heart I can do this.

Sorry for believing in God, but I just beg him to give everyone a miracle. I need HIM to help me find a way to fulfill my destiny. Christ, my Savior, heal our broken hearts and reminds us that we must rise and stand for what we believe in...

ATTENTION!

Henceforth, I WILL NOT be doing art commissions or requests on sale and for free ANYMORE!

Somebody was right about one thing: I've nothing to show for it! Selling digital art or traditional art online is SHIT! Not to mention PAYPAL. And don't convince me to trust that website because it's a GIANT load of crap!  

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, oh no, I'm ANGRY! This was supposed to be my own little summer job. Once again, I have had rotten luck. I'm just going to an art gallery in my hometown to have some recognition.

How could I be SO stupid?! I am self-centered and ignorant. I'm never perfect...NEVER A PRO...I'M NOTHING! NOTHIIIIIIIIIING!   

Counselors don't want me back at college just because I am I've a little threat "The winner will pay". They took my job away! This is the last time my parents are saving me from going to jail. I've got to clean up my act.

You know what "You will PAY" means in MY ENGLISH? It means "you will hand over award to me because IT'S MINE". It doesn't mean I'm going to kill anyone! Everybody's too fucked up to understand me and my Asperger's Syndrome!

I've got to get out of here and never go back to my hometown again, if I have enough money to take care of myself. I've got nothing left to loose. I WILL BE AN ARTIST, OPERATIC SINGER, AND ACTRESS! NOT MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, I WILL SUCCEED!

I don't know whether I should leave DA or not because I can't stand being a third-class artist. I've been changing prices for commissions, and all I hear is complaints that the price is too high. Luckily, I only have one client. I hate the new Millenium because it brings nothing but broken dreams, fading hopes, and bringing our future to the ground. Sick to death of it.

Please, I want to get paid for doing commissions. Rumors say that I need to make a commission sheet, which I have none. I do not know how the artists here do that. Everyone loves my art, and they wish they would pay me if they had the money. I would rather have my payments delivered by post mail because I can't trust PAYPAL. I'm afraid they steal my SS#.

I will not do homosexuality, pornagraphy, hardcore violence art (maybe a bit of blood).

I need to know where to begin.
Thank you.

How am I going to grow up? Why can't I be more considerate of others?

I'm nothing but a slacker. My drunken parents are MADDER than holy Hell at me because I'm not doing much of my summer project (painting my new room). It was my mother's fault, she finished my painting in the first place, and she blames on me for not doing it because I sleep in, drawing singing, watching cartoons. I was just getting to that (painting), but no! Ha! Face it, my mother will NEVER apologize if her life depends on it. She blames me for EVERYTHING. She tells me to GROW UP, convinces to stop living in "LA-LA LAND". I swear to God, I want to choke her like a chicken. While drunk, she is usually a bully to enjoys hurting me every night.

My father told me to start taking responsibilities by not acting like a child. He asks me when am I going to finish painting the room? Next week? Next year? I've done nothing. Who the hell is he to talk down to anyone? He eats and snores like a bloated hog, and does absolutely nothing. When he sat on his lousy ass on the couch, watching TV, I yelled, "Yeah, slack around, drink some more booze! Ass!"

To prove my so-called loving parents, I moved half of everything into my room. No gratitude. I'm feel so abused. I feel like I'll never be happy again.

I downcast my eyes with shame and regret. You know, as a 22-year-old, it's fucking hard to hold back tears because your parents tell you all the negative bullshit about you. I am so depressed that I wish to never talk to them again, or not eat anything at all. I am weak. I didn't ask to be in this family. Although I'm upset for abusing, not only myself, but also my own family.

I wish to go some place where I can find the path to paradise. I can't really tell if my parents really love me with that kind of attitude anymore. I wish I could call the police, but the police won't give a damn if there was a riot between two parents and one daughter. Someday, I'll be worthier than my own father, pretending I never had a miserable family. I'll live a better life.

It's NOT even fun when your last sibling is out of house because you have no one to share your pain when Mom and Dad are at each other like a pack of wolves. I'm all alone, with no friends to share. Dreams almost crushed. I'm just in a lot of pain, right now.

By the way, to those who have criticized my OC (mostly me) with my cartoon characters are right that I'm sick and a freak. I'm an adult for Christ sake. Why do I still do it?

I'm never going to learn how to drive a car. I'll never make good money as a "good" artist. I feel so stupid. I miss my old job, back at college.